Intersections
Writing my way through indecision.
This essay was written in response to a prompt given by my dear friend and comrade in memoir writing, Alaknanda Sengupta. What was supposed to be a 100 word write-up, turned into a longer meditation on my relationship with indecision and how I now exit it. This is the magic of prompts; they turn writing into alchemy.
Some intersections exist in our mind. I see them as a roundabout with multiple exits. Have you ever got anxious about taking the wrong turn and getting deviated from your path? I have. Google Maps shows us the shortest way to our destination but we don’t know if the shortest way is the best one. Is it okay to reach our destination early but at the cost of our peace of mind? What if the shortest route has the most number of obstacles? What if the longer road was easier to drive on?
This essay is not about roads; it is about decisions. The imagery of a roundabout with multiple exits just helps me understand and explain how I see intersections and decisions in life. I am standing at multiple metaphorical intersections in my life. I have to make a decision. To either move forward. Or to try one more time. To try the new, or repeat the old. On the left lies the exit that I always take. I know this route pretty well. And I know it doesn’t take me further. Yet, I took it so many times, hoping it would lead me in a new direction. But I was wrong. As I drive closer to it, it calls out to me. It has become like a friend. Someone familiar. We both know each other well. But I don’t take this exit. I continue to drive on.
The next exit is the one that my logical mind has come up with. It is an exit that I am not used to driving on, but I have tried a couple of times, only to take a u-turn and come back to the intersection of indecision. It is the exit that every one tells me is the right one to take. But even when I take it, it feels inauthentic. Each return has left me feeling hopeless. I let this one pass me by.
The third exit is one that I haven’t taken before. I don’t know if it will lead me to my destination. I know nothing about it and I am wondering if it is worth the risk. I slow down but the cars behind me begin to honk. I must decide fast.
I could just continue moving, not take any turn and keep going round and round, looking at all the exits. Time will do its thing and finally exhaustion and boredom with make a decision for me and help me exit the intersection. And we all know that those two choose the most familiar route; the tried and tested one. The one that keeps bring me back to the intersection.
I pause as I see myself in this scene. I see myself putting on my playlist of music. Listening to it, singing along. Looking outside. I feel my heart open up a little. I begin to wonder about the exit that I know nothing about. Would it really take me where I want to go? What if it brings me back where I was? What if I end up somewhere totally different? What if I get lost?
As I was lost in my thoughts, I saw a person pull up next to my car, saying something I couldn’t hear. I rolled the window down and strained to hear her. “Your tyre is punctured,” she screamed.
At this point, dear reader, I appear to be a perfect fool. I cannot drive much farther. I have to take the turn that has a tyre repair shop and I need to get there fast. My decision was made by a chance event. Maybe that’s what I was waiting for all along. But was it really fate? Or was it my subconscious?
I want to write a different ending to my story. Turns out, the tyre repair shop is on Exit 1. It is the same exit I have been on so many times; the one that brings me back to square one. As I make my way to it, I feel sad. I realise what is happening. I stop the car at the shop. I give it for repair. As I stand there, memories flash before my eyes. I realise that this is who I am. A person on an intersection. Waiting to go someplace new. Scared to make the journey through an uncertain path. Something in me shifts.
The tyre is repaired. I get into the driver’s seat. I take a u - turn, come to the intersection and make my way through the third exit.
Loved the metaphor throughout, and could relate a lot. For some reason, the image of the woman screaming about the punctured tyre gave me goosebumps! Perhaps reflected some internal warnings I've had :)